I am here because I have decided I am going to shed my skin. I am going to become something different in this world.
I have had enough of my so-called life. I have chosen to make another one.
Death isn’t an option. I tried killing myself, and ended up in a mental hospital for a week for my trouble. I promised I wouldn’t do it again. I won’t. (Anyway, They wouldn’t let me out if I didn’t promise, and I wasn’t even allowed to cross my fingers…) But I don’t want to die. I want to live. Just not like this.
So, why now? Why today? Why?
Because I pulled my head out of the sand for a second and took a look around myself. And realised how miserable I was. I am tired of being miserable. I am fed up of it. I am bored of it. It is time I stopped being it.
It took a number of moments of clarity through drink-fueled stupor to figure out that things needed to change
As I sat at my computer, night after night; smelling of vomit, surrounded by empty beer cans and rum bottles, the ashtray overflowing and my eyes stinging from smoke, I wondered…”What have I become?”. As I sat with my phone at my hand, with my inbox open, hoping and praying that the girl I thought the world of would stoop to send me a message of some kind – even just to say hello – I wondered what I had become. When she defriended me off facebook, kicked me off skype, and blocked my phone number, I wondered what I had become.
And as I sat in my bed, my head pounding from the night before, smoking my brains out, wanting to cry, regretting every moment of my horrible life, I REALISED what I had become. A sad, lonely, pathetic excuse for a human being. Someone I didn’t like at all.
In that moment, i realised I had lost everything important. My dignity, my self-respect, my courage. My “self”. Yet…..there was hope.
It was like I had held my breath and dived into a murky pond. I had sank and sank and sank….and suddenly just as I felt I couldn’t hold my breath much longer, I had felt earth beneath my feet. I realised I couldn’t sink any more, and the only way to go was back up. There was nothing to lose, as I had already lost everything. I was only a shell of a person – miserable, lonely, trapped and tired, ashamed and resentful. Loving people who didn’t even want to be around me, worrying about what people thought about me, blaming the world for my horrible life when I was the only person living it.
It is time to let go of my old “self”. Cut my losses. Put the past behind me with all the regret it holds. Forgive myself. Start again with nothing. Because the current plan isn’t working.
I can do this because really deep down, through all the useless crap that makes me up, there is a solid lump of metal. Sometimes it feels like iron, sometimes steel, but whatever it is, it refuses to allow me to give up on myself. I am not sure HOW I am going to change, I just know I HAVE TO. It is time my pet demons and I parted company. I am a bit bored of them now.
Oh yeah, and this blog will be my story of how I did it.
599 out of 600 words ain’t bad.