Designing a New Life

I guess there is no point in deciding to shed your old life, and pick up a new one unless you know what the new one should look like.

That can be more difficult than it sounds. Ask me. I know.

I suppose what one has to do is to look at all the things that is wrong with one’s life, and make an active choice to either change them or get rid of them. In order to change yourself, you need to strip away all the stuff you don’t like first so you become a blank slate again. And then begin the process of rebuilding. But when ALL of one’s life is wrong, it is hard knowing where to start.

But I’ll give it a go. I need to open myself up and peek inside……..

First thing I need to tackle is my appearance. I hate the sight of myself in the mirror, and so I tend not to bother looking in it that often. If I am going to grow a new “self”, it has to be someone I don’t mind looking at. When I walk around looking like I don’t give a crap about myself, how can I blame others for not giving a crap about me either? When I look in the mirror, I see stained teeth, dishevelled hair, a double chin and usually a few days old stubble which has the audacity to look patchy. I cant even grow a decent stubble! God!!

i dont pay much attention to what I am wearing either. I dont go clothes shopping much, as it depresses me when nothing fits, so my wardrobe is pretty small. I tend to throw on the first thing that comes to hand in the morning and as often as not, it could do with a wash, or a let-out, or a let-down, or a button, or a patch…..bottom line is I must sometimes look shabby.

This has to change.

Second thing I need to change is how I treat myself. Because I hate myself, I punish my body daily. I smoke at least 30 cigarettes a day which is killing my lungs. I consume far too much alcohol which is killing my liver. I am obese (there I said it!!) which is killing my heart. If I don’t stop soon, there wont be any point in deciding to change my life because I wont have one to change. And by doing these things, I am complicating other areas in my life. I probably stink of smoke though I cant smell it, so people probably want to avoid me and my toxic breath. When I over-drink, I do stupid stuff and fall out with people which is going to destroy any actual relationships I do have in my life. And my weight reduces any chance I have of ever managing to hook up with someone, or even draw a second glance in a bar.

This has to change too.

Another thing I hate about myself is how I live. I glance around my office…my car…my living space….everything I see gives me an indication that whoever works, lives and owns here does not care about a single thing!

My office is a mess. Papers everywhere, files not put away, sticky notes covering every available inch of desk space reminding me of stuff I haven’t bothered to do. My car looks like I use it to transport hay from the local fields. And my living space….oh God. Clothes lying everywhere, laundry not done, rubbish not put out, curtains not opened in ages, books lying scattered where they were last put down….and stuff!! so much stuff…stuff I never needed, stuff I never use, stuff I never wanted, stuff that is of no use whatsoever to mankind…why have i got so much STUFF????!!!

This ALL has to go. I need a place to breathe for goodness sake!!

Right….all this peeking inside myself is making me feel slightly ill. But one thing is for sure…I need to pay a bit more attention to the basics I think.