I guess at this point, it might help me if I think about why I want to grow a new me. It wasn’t because I woke up with divine inspiration, that’s for sure 😉
I have been pretty miserable from about the age of 18. Up until then, I had spent my life living in hope that I would make a success of my life. I would get a good degree, find a good job, meet a lovely woman, and settle down with 2.4 great kids. Life stretched before me like a golden promise.
When i got to university, that life seemed to…dull down. I wasn’t making many friends, or enjoying my course very much. i didn’t enjoy clubbing either – I always felt awkward and out of place. And I wasn’t very busy, so I had more time to think. And that can be dangerous for someone like me. Suddenly, my golden promise seemed to look more like a shimmering illusion.
Eventually, I started to cut myself to try to put expression to the pain I was feeling, and I kept cutting on and off for about 10 years. My left arm is completely covered in some fine (and some not so fine) scars. I was seen by doctors, university psychologists, psychiatrists….but nothing worked. i just kept sinking in my own miserable reality.
Then, completely by accident, I met a lovely girl. We had a whirlwind romance, and ended up moving in together. This took my focus off myself and allowed me to live my life for someone else. I started a PhD and suddenly the promise of a happy life seemed closer than ever. I stopped thinking about myself and my life as much and I used to…I became almost happy. But I guess I slowly sucked the life from her too – we split after 4 years.
In the end, I dumped the PhD. I got a low paid job, worked my ass off and drank like crazy. Then I began a strange ritual of getting a new job every 2-3 years after that. I always ended up hating my employer. And everytime I switched jobs, I ended up at the bottom of the ladder again. I had to start off all over again….proving myself…making friends….My misery just kept getting worse and worse and worse.
I finally landed a job I actually liked, and moved back home so I wasnt feeling so isolated all the time. I got into gaming in a big way, spending 5 to 6 hours per night playing computer games. Once again, I stopped thinking about myself so much – my brain became occupied with other things. But I was still miserable deep down, and that misery manifested itself one night when I tried to commit suicide after going on a vodka rampage. It came completely out of the blue – nobody was expecting it – nobody more than me.That was almost 6 years ago.
I swore an oath NEVER to harm myself again. I saw how badly my actions impacted on the family I love. And I haven’t – but only because of them. I don’t want to hurt THEM. But i don’t care about myself.
In the latest installment of my miserable life, I got to know a girl online. We fell in love and all those warm emotions that I had repressed and frozen in the dungeons of my mind were suddenly awakened. I felt love, and warmth and appreciation. I felt sexy and attractive. I became relaxed and confident. In short – I felt happy. I felt like I had begun to live again.
But an online relationship is a stupid place to cast your hopes, and after we met in real-life, I realized that I hadn’t matched up to her expectations. I was a disappointment to her. After she went home, our online relationship changed. The person who once viewed me as the centre of her world now only viewed me as a friend on the periphery. I fought hard to keep her, but when you find yourself fighting to keep someone….. that’s a sure sign you need to let them go. I was killing both of us.
So, i have let her go. And I am finding it hard to deal with. I don’t want to return to the frozen state I have been living in for the last 10 years. Once I awoke all those positive feelings – of love, hope and wanting to live – I don’t want to put them back into storage.
I am heartbroken. But i realise that the core reason for this heartbreak isn’t the fact that a girl I met online doesn’t love me. The core reason for it is that I don’t love MYSELF. If I did, I would have actually have a life of my own, and wouldnt have this insatiable habit of sucking the life out of someone else.
And with each realization of how I am, and WHY I am, I can feel myself slowly shedding my old skin…..:)