So….up till now, all I seem to have been doing is examining the “old” me and imagining the “new”. But words are easy, actions are a little harder. And actions are what are needed to actually construct my new self.
So what have I done since I started this blog?
Well, the one thing I have NOT been doing has been making grand gestures, and spending lots of cash. The changes I am starting with are simple. I have always been sure within myself that I need to go back to basis and rebuild from there.
I started with my living space. And began to rid myself off my old life.
I went through all my drawers, followed by my shelves, bags, boxes – anything that could accumulate clutter. And I began to dump anything that I decided did not or would not contribute to my new self. I threw out everything. And OH MY GOD….where did I get all this stuff??
I threw out old books I knew I would never read again…mostly because they were rubbish. I got rid of old computer games that I would never play – some not even opened. I also came across tons of old cables and computer accessories that I would never have any need for. And the amount of stationary I found was unbelievable…I must be a stationary addict. I found staplers, punchers, writing pads, rolls of sticky tape, bales of sticky notes, duplicate books (duplicate books??? For WHAT????). I must have had a million paperclips of all sizes and colours. I found drawing pins, highlighters, whiteboard markers, bottles of tipp-ex….I don’t know where I bought this stuff or why i thought I ever needed it. But it all had to go.
I went through my wardrobe. Again…the amount of clothing I had was slightly insane, and most of it I couldn’t even wear because it was too small. I gathered up whatever I knew I actually DID wear and got rid of the rest.
The hardest part of the process was deciding what to do with gifts, and things that may have had sentimental value at one time. Eventually I thought…”what good is sentiment”?. Old happy memories just serve to remind me of how sad I am in my life today. If I want to move forward, I have to stop looking back. There is no place for sentiment right now. So all that went too.
I also decided to remove some furniture. The more drawers and shelves I have, the easier it is to accumulate things it seems.
The process was therapeutic to an extent though. Each time I got rid of something, I could feel my old life slipping away. I felt a little freer each time I emptied the trash. And my living space is much emptier now. I prefer it like that. I am only keeping things that I have a need for from now on. And I don’t plan on having that many needs.
I am aware that my appearance leaves much to be desired. If I am to learn to respect myself, I must treat myself with respect, and look like I do too.
I got my head shaved. Not too tight, but enough to make myself look and feel a little bit tidier. I don’t need to worry about my awkward hair sticking everywhere now. I will grow it back when I know I can look after it better. Maybe.
I began to use a whitening toothpaste and had to make sure I used it everyday. I don’t really like it, and building new habits can be difficult, but by making the effort, I feel a little better. I feel like I am trying to help myself. Through time, I plan on using teeth whitening kits, and visit a dentist to see about repairing the damage done by years of smoking and lack of care….but I must remember…back to basics first.
Finally, I stocked up on shower gels, shaving creams, deodorants and razors. Seeing this stuff in the bathroom reminds me to use them.
I need to improve my health. Both mental and physical. The mind and the body are linked together. I have abused my body. No wonder my mind is falling to bits.
Again, it is down to building new habits. I began to take a multi-vitamin every day, along with 1 litre of water. I hate the taste of water, or perhaps it is the lack of taste I don’t like! But I force myself to drink it anyway. It must at least replace some of the gallons of coffee I gulp down everyday.
I am also trying to stop smoking in the house when I can. I force myself to go outside as much as possible. I don’t get enough fresh air or sunlight, and I think that any little bit helps, even if I am poisoning myself in the process.
More air, more light, more water….I really am going back to basics – I sound like a huge plant :p
So, I am working on building a number of new habits at the moment:
- Use of the whitening toothpaste
- Taking the multivitamins
- Drinking water
- Smoking outside
I need to keep focusing on these until they become effortless; second nature. When I have achieved that, I can move on to developing more new habits, or maybe see about breaking some old ones.
I just wish i could shake the melancholy i feel right now.