There is one thing I will never understand about myself. And that is my brain. My mind.
I will never understand why I have to keep it so…preoccupied…all the time. Why can’t I just experience normal, simple pleasures like everyone else? Why can’t I just relax?
My mind gets bored so easily. No matter what I do, it begins to wander. I can’t really enjoy anything for very long before I begin to feel the familiar sensation of wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else.
It explains a few things about me I guess. It explains why I don’t have many friends – I don’t enjoy company for very long before I get bored. It explains why I don’t like sport that much – I have tried watching football, and snooker, and motor racing, and boxing….but within 10 minutes I want to be doing something else. It explains why I have seen hardly any films. I do try watching films, but unless it is really good, I find that my mind has wandered and I couldn’t tell you one thing about what is going on. It is funny sometimes. I might be sitting gazing at the TV, watching something with my dad, and sometimes he will turn to me and ask “What did he just say there?? I didn’t quite catch that.”. And I suddenly realize I haven’t been paying attention at all – my mind has been miles away. I sometimes just make stuff up, or say “Not sure…I didn’t hear that either.”
It explains why I have started so many things in my life that I haven’t finished. I might take up a new hobby – like miniature painting, or collecting coins, or learning a new language. And because it is novel and new, I dive headfirst into it, usually spending a load of money in the process. And it occupies me for a while. But then I start getting bored again, and I drop it with promises to return. I never do.
Because my mind is constantly craving stimulation, I always seem to be in a rush. I rush to work. i rush home. I rush my meals, my showers, my conversations. I am so impatient with every little thing – I always want to be somewhere else, doing something else. I can never seem to take my time…do things properly…concentrate on the task in hand…and therefore the amount of pleasure I get out of anything is minimal. i never take the time to slow down and smell the flowers. I don’t know what it is like to relax. My mind does not grasp the concept of “chilling out”. The idea of lying in bed listening to music, or taking a long hot bath seems like mental torture to me.
There are things in life that DO give my mind peace.
Gaming is one. My mind becomes enthralled, and I lose myself within the game. Hours pass in the blink of an eye. And that is why I spend 90% of my free time playing games.
Reading tends to occupy my mind too. Like gaming, I enter the story and become wrapped up in it. I relate to the characters, I walk around in their shoes. I see the story through their eyes. My bedroom fades away and whilst I am reading I am transported to another place.
Alcohol helps my mind relax. It seems to slow my thought processes way down, and I lose myself in my thoughts. I might start drinking at 10AM on a Friday night, and before I know it, it is 7 AM on a Saturday morning. I can’t tell you what I have been doing in those 9 hours – I have no idea!
And finally…sleeping. My brain shuts down altogether and I get peace. I sleep a lot. But I am missing out on so much life when I do.
Gaming…reading…drinking…sleeping…there is one thing that links these together. My consciousness enters a different state of reality than that which I experience during my ordinary humdrum life. But I wish I could enjoy my ordinary humdrum life. I wish i could relax and enjoy the moment for what it is. I wish I didn’t have this constant need to keep my brain occupied. I wish I could relax. I wish I could slow down and smell the flowers.