I can get drunk, because I just did

OK….I just had to prove to myself that I could still get drunk.

It took 17 cans of beer and a bottle of wine. But I got drunk eventually. And I decided to do it on a work night knowing full well I had work today.

I am clever.

But somehow, my thoughts are pretty slow today. I suppose it is because I killed half my brain cells and they haven’t grown back yet. And my headache is so bad it means that thinking hurts.

Its a nice change.  A bad hangover takes a certain amount of the monotony out my day. I am focused on staying awake, not getting sick, and getting my car home in one piece. Then I am gonna crawl into bed and sleep forever. I am picturing myself getting wrapped up in the blankets, turning off the light, and closing my eyes. And going to sleep SOBER!

I am looking forward to it.

I just wish I didn’t feel the need to get drunk. I am scared that I am gonna end up relying on booze to get me through. I don’t want to be like that. And I whilst I don’t like “sober” me that much, i detest “drunk” me even more. I wake up in the morning with feelings of dread and guilt as to what I may or may not have done the night before.

I need to seriously focus on cutting back on this nasty little pastime I am developing. I need to make a conscious effort to stop drinking so much. Though one thing is for certain…water sure tastes GOOD today!

In other news……

I am keeping up with the multivitamins and the whitening toothpaste. And my living space is remaining clear for the moment. Am I the only one that gets a certain satisfaction from throwing things out? Every time I dump something, I feel a little….lighter. My life seems a little less jumbled and cluttered and I feel a bit more focused.

I am smoking more outside now, and I have noticed my cigarette intake is not as high as it once was. Plus, I am finding breathing easier.

These little changes are slowly developing into habits. And I can feel myself changing into someone different. And as I learn these new habits, I find old habits are slowly going away. I am not saying it is easy and I am not saying I don’t have bad days (like yesterday). But what I am saying is that I feel a little proud of myself when I manage to take on something new and stick with it, and it makes me feel more confident in making more changes. It just takes time I suppose.

In the meantime…….I am dreaming about my bed and the lovely, cool, silent darkness I am going to enjoy when I get home. If i get home! And who knows? I may even forgive myself for drinking so much last night, and acting like a bit of a child.

Who was it that said that to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing?