Just giving myself a firm talking to here………..

In my blog, I seem to spend a lot of time writing about what I want to change about myself, and how I want to change. But change brings its own challenges; it can be mentally tiring, and during my weaker moments I get so wrapped up in the “what” and the “how” that I forget the “why”. “Why” bother trying at all? “Why” change?.

I decided to change following a relationship breakup. I decided I was tired of investing time, and money, and emotion, and effort into other people who seemed to have an uncanny ability to screw me over without seeming the least bit bothered about it. I was tired of being the one who got hurt, the one who got disappointed, the one who lay awake at night trying to cope with the burden of heartbreak and re-realised loneliness.

Placing all your hopes of happiness in the hands of others and trusting them to do good by you is a stupid gamble. If you lose, you lose BIG. And 9 times out of 10, you WILL lose.

I looked carefully at the mistake I made. I met a girl who ticked all the right boxes. I mean, meeting someone is hard enough; meeting the RIGHT someone looks nigh on impossible. But I met her. And she awakened all the feelings of love and happiness and hope that I had frozen within myself for so long. I woke up and began to live again.

I poured all my love into her. I spent a small fortune on making her happy. I spent hours and hours with her…tending her every need. My days were filled with thoughts of her, and my nights were filled with dreams of her.

But warning signs appeared in our relationship….little cracks that until this day I will not know whether they actually did exist or they were just part of my imagination. I began to panic. I was so afraid of losing it all – of losing her – that I became a little unbalanced. There. I said it. I became unbalanced.

In the end she screwed me over. Whether that was my fault in acting a little bit unhinged, or the fact that I was right all along in thinking she never really cared for me in that way doesn’t really matter. The point is…she left and moved on. And I was left by myself. The worst person on earth with whom you can find yourself alone.

But I am not goddam ready to freeze and die again. She reminded me what it was like to be happy, excited, even contented!! I have just been woken up and I don’t want to go back into the darkness. I am sick of being something that exists solely due to the fact that I was born and I have no option but to keep existing until my number comes up again.

I am taking ownership for my OWN happiness.

And now I remember “why” I want to change.

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