Self-Sabotage

So why do I do it? Why do I self-sabotage so much?

I got drunk last night, and sabotaged my online relationship. One of the few people who cared a fig about me, and I have managed to push her away.

I didnt do anything REALLY bad….I am not evil….I just did enough to make her think twice about getting involved with me.

I really don’t understand myself. I am trying to figure out why I did it. Why did I feel the need to get drunk? And when drunk, why did I feel like I had to push her away? It is complete and utter madness.

Or is it?

I am wondering. Is there a chance that there was logic behind what I did last night? Is this my way of dropping old habits….realising they are not healthy and trying to deal with them? Is this my new “self” coming through?

On-line relationships are a waste of time. Sure, you get lovely messages and texts and you feel all happy and content inside. But really and truly, on-line relationships fly in the face of what a relationship SHOULD be. I can’t kiss her goodnight. I can’t hug her or cuddle her when she is feeling down. We can’t go shopping together or decide to take a long walk along a beach somewhere. An online relationship is a meeting of minds, a connection…but ultimately that is all.

I spent over a year in an online-relationship. It consisted of getting wired up to the computer for a few hours everyday, getting the occasional photo and having cybersex once in a while. And when we finally met, reality came crashing down around us. The relationship took the next 6 months to die. It was pure and utter hell.

So what do I do? Enter into another one of course.

But this is not the way it is supposed to be. This is not the way I WANT it to be. I want to meet someone FOR REAL and do stuff together FOR REAL. I just dont want to spend the next year of my life hooked up to a computer like it is a life support machine, knowing full well that we are both wasting each other’s time. And perhaps that is why I needed to get drunk. Perhaps that is why I did what I did. Perhaps this is my way of coming back to life again.

I don’t know. I feel lousy anyway. It only lasted about a week and a half, but enough things were said between us to let me know that things were going to get serious. And I WANTED them to. But WHY?????? I never met her and only had a vague idea of what she looked like!! But yet within a week and a half, I am looking at my phone every 5 minutes to see if she had texted me!! I am addicted to being in a relationship; I am addicted to computers, and both these addictions are coming together to create the worst of both worlds.

I am NOT well in the head to be honest. But I suppose I am thankful for KNOWING that much at least. I need to fix myself before I can focus on anyone else. It is that simple.

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