Fight Club

I am Cen’s quiet appraisal..

I feel that I have accomplished quite a few things in the last year or so. I have landed the job of my dreams, have changed country of residence, and finally have my very own (rented) apartment. (Well, Rome wasn’t built in a day……!!). Yet at this stage of my plan to conquer my so-called life, I am feeling VERY vulnerable. My current position is very weak. This has been caused by a number of foreseen and unforeseen developments that have left me feeling very lonely and isolated.

I am Cen’s sense of disappointment…

I am not an outgoing person. I tend to prefer having a few good friends rather than having lots of mediocre ones. I could sit and chat for hours about random stuff – I don’t feel the need to party or undertake extreme sports – I would be quite happy to sit and watch a film or go grab a cup of coffee. I am a one-on-one sort of person. When I am with someone, I like to give them my full attention. And I am completely introverted.

So it will probably come as no surprise that friends, for me, tend to be difficult to come by. But I do find them from time to time. And they give me a huge sense of pleasure. They make me feel connected with the world – with life. I feel engaged. I like sharing experiences – even little ones. I like hearing other people’s stories.

And I thought I had a good friend. But it turned out that she was not so good. I am not gong to say that she isn’t a good person – she is. But she has her own problems too. And one way she took out her frustrations on the world was to take them out on me. Eventually, she overstepped the boundaries and she became someone I don’t think I like being around.

I have had to make an active decision to distance myself from her, although in truth I don’t think she is that bothered. But in doing so, I have cut myself from one of the few people whom I feel ever really understood who I was. And I feel bitterly, BITTERLY, disappointed.

I am Cen’s neverending source of self-pity……

So now I am feeling cut off from the world again. I hate this sense of loneliness. You can be in a room full of people but still feel isolated, and that is now I feel now. But previously, I looked forward to contacting her, and sharing our day together. But that is not an option anymore. Now when I go home after work, about the best thing I have to look forward to is going to bed with a book.

I am Cen’s lump of steaming stubbornness….

But I cannot deviate from my battle plan. I can’t allow other people to make me feel bad about myself. I can do that all on my own – I don’t need their help.

I have to be responsible for my decisions, and I have to trust in myself that my decisions are made for the right reasons. I have decided that she is an negative influence in my life, and I have decided that trying to pursue a friendship with her is only going to end in hurt. I can only hope that I will find someone else with whom I can relate.

I just need to figure out the “how” bit. And try to deal with the loneliness in the meantime. But I am REFUSING to give up.