Consolidation Moment

So I am looking down on my life and I am taking stock. I always said I would shed my old skin and grow a new one.

Perhaps the previous post was my way of saying good bye to my old skin. I don’t know. I feel sad, but at the same time, I feel hope. Perhaps the lyrics of that song reminds me of just how bad I needed to shed my old life.Perhaps the lyrics of that song make me thankful that, actually, life can get better.

I will never let go of my past completely. It has made me who I am. It makes me appreciate that, actually, things can get a lot worse. I don’t carry it around with me, but I don’t forsake it either. It will forever be a part of me but I think that is a good thing.

My original plan was always going to be a full frontal assault on my old life. Socially, physically, psychologically,  financially, spiritually, occupationally……And now I need to think.

Occupationally; the battle has been won. I always planned to land my dream job, and that plan has come to fruition. It was 30% luck, 70% destiny. I was designed for this job. I dumped my fear and blitzed the selection and recruitment process. I dedicated myself to getting it. I have gained some self-respect. What I do defines a lot about who I am. I am proud of what I do now. I don’t need to exert any more effort in this area for the next few years.

Financially, the battle is almost over as well. My job now pays enough to cover the basics with a little left over. I have managed to clear a lot of my debt. I am not well off but I am comfortable – I don’t need to worry about eating tomorrow. That’s all I ever wanted.

In terms of lifestyle, I moved out of my parents home and rent a place of my own. It is shit, but it is mine. I have a door which I can close upon the world. I love that door. I now need to turn it from a place where I sleep to a place where I live. That’s only a minor battle – every month I try to buy something nice for it – even if it is a set of plates or a bathmat. It doesn’t matter. Everything I buy something small for it, I feel a certain joy. My environment is slowly improving.

So, to what front should I turn my cannons next?

The smoke still covers the battlefield but in the haze I can make out my next challenge.

I am lonely. Lonely, lonely, lonely. I want to meet someone, I want to love and be loved. I would love kids but I don’t think that is going to happen now. Right now, I would happily settle for having the opportunity to live for someone and something other than myself. But this objective is not possible yet. The means to attain the objective are there. Dating sites – big city – flashy bars – plenty of contact with the opposite sex – plenty of opportunity…..but I do not have the mental or physical make-up to attract anybody.

My spirit is holding me back. My negative thought streams are overwhelming me. I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life and hence FEAR dominates my outlook. I still dont love or respect myself because of the way I think. To attract, one must be attractive. Attraction comes from within and spreads outwards. So to be attractive, one must start with one’s attitude towards oneself.

In short, I must learn to love myself if I am ever going to convince anyone else that I am worth loving.

So what to do?

I think my spirit is stunted by those old demons who have followed me for my entire life. A sick spirit leads to a sick everything.

I think I need to rip my old spirit out, and replace it with a new one. And I think I know how.