Yes, they released me. It didn’t take much. I flashed a bit of knowledge at them and upon doing so, they released a monster.

Am i am monster? Yes. I am.

And now I live as one.

Why do you think I could be a monster?

Because I am the most ruthless person you will probably ever meet.

When one wants to break the habit of being one, one must be ruthless.I am tired of this fucking world polluting my soul.

I told you I thought I knew how.

I get rid of all clutter. If it does not add to my life, it goes. There s not a single thing in my life that I cannot tell you when I bought it.

I stop watching the news. I stop watching ads. When they come on, I press the mute button. I stop reading newspapers. I am tired of the POLLUTION.

I dont give a fuck about this horrible fucking life. I dont give a fuck about the horrible people in it. I have been chosen to walk the path, so I walk it. You wanna come? You think you can make it?

I read every self help book there is. Do I believe any of it? No. It is all bollocks. But you know what? The positive energy is there. Every night I read this crap, and every night I fall asleep, a part of my brain digests it. Positivism. I don’t care. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

I start waking early. I set my alarm to wake me up at 6.30am. Why? I don’t know. I just do. I make myself wake, no matter what. I get out of my bed, and I open the door. I have my first fag underneath the whispering trees. A fag? Yes, a fag. I would rip your heart out if you tried to stop me. That battle will have to keep for now. B ut a fag keeps me compliant to myself. The body and mind are not one yet.

I stop eating fast food shit. I stop eating microwave shit. I googled how to chop lettuce and tomatoes. That’s what I eat now. Salad and eggs. I will teach myself soup.. I am bored of eating dead fucking animal. I want to eat green stuff. I fucking hate it, but you know what? Peas are actually ok.

I stop listening to negative people. I am tried of their goddam fucking whining. I stop having lunch in the canteen. I now have lunch at my desk. If you are negative, then fuck off. I do not have time for you. From now on, I surround myself with positive people.

I buy an app. It plays relaxing stuff. I listen to it. I fall asleep listening to waterfalls.  I start to imagine taking off my armor, and soaking myself in the cool, clean water. I start imaging the water washing away all my mistakes. I fall asleep to the image. I start waking up feeling better.

I listen to music. Happy music. Uplifting music. Dance music. Pop music. The radio is on in the flat and in the car. It surrounds me. I do not want any depressing shit. Only positive.

I watch Netflis. Breaking Bad. It makes me laugh. Parts are light hearted. I NEED light hearted. Please keep me making me grin.

I pray. I am not big on God. But I am smart enough to play the angles. I play the angles. I pray to St. Martin. What is the worst that can happen? He don’t exist or don’t listen? What have I got to lose? Nothing. And he got me this goddam job.

Every moment I have, I visualize. I try to relax I try to smile I imagine myself with a loving woman. I imagine myself with friends. I imagine myself with help.

I start to believe.


This bastard world tells me how I should think. It tells me how I should live. It tells me what I should drive. It tells me I should have 2.4 kids. It tells me I should be married.  I tells me what I should eat. It tells me how I should vote.


I am a fucking MONSTER. And Hope lives beside me, whispering to me, encouraging me, reassuring me. I am right. I know I am right. I am going to make it.

Watch me if I dont.