Dear Death……

Dear Death

Why do you annoy me so?

We are old acquaintances; you and I.

You don’t remember me?? Let me remind you 🙂

I stood on that street corner that day as the bomb went off. I was 200 yards away, I was not hurt. You missed me that day.

Do you remember me stepping off that kerb as the bus swung round? I watched it’s tail heading towards me. For a second, I was tempted to take you on. But I decided to allow you the benefit of the doubt. I stepped back. You missed me that day too.

Do you remember the day I needed a bus and the Catholic Priest stopped for me in Belfast, and offered me a lift as he warned me it was a dangerous bus stop? I escaped. The guy who was shot a few days later was not so lucky. You missed again.

Do you remember me as I walked past that car……you know…….the one with the device strapped under it? The device fell off and failed to explode. And I walked straight past you as you watched me with your hungry eyes.

Do you remember the articulated lorry that decided it wanted to drive over the same patch of road I was on? Do you remember me pushing the throttle and escaping you with inches to spare?

And do you remember my slitting my wrists and watching as the blood left my body? Do you remember what the nurse whispered? That in 30 years she never witnessed a quieter night?

Yes, we are old acquaintances you and I.

Would you like to know my secret???

…………I have no fear of you……………….

And I want to live, I want to live and breathe and enjoy the sensation of “being”. I want to feel my nerves tingle in the cold; my heart beat as I get excited; and my mouth go dry as I meet someone I really like. I want to taste soup on a cold winter’s day, and taste ice cream on a really warm one. I want to know how it feels to drive a brand new car, and I want to watch someone’s face as I give them the gift of their dreams.

So, why do you annoy me so?

Why do you want me to help you in you quest to end my existence? Why do you so wish for my online friends to do the same?

Why do you try to persuade us that life is not worth living?? Why do you call to us incessantly; hoping we will hear your call??

I shall never submit to you, Not until I am ready. I am not ready to give up just yet. And you shall not touch my friends. Not whilst I have breath in my lungs and nerves in my fingertips!

With some slight regard but little else,

Yours Truly.

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Just giving myself a firm talking to here………..

In my blog, I seem to spend a lot of time writing about what I want to change about myself, and how I want to change. But change brings its own challenges; it can be mentally tiring, and during my weaker moments I get so wrapped up in the “what” and the “how” that I forget the “why”. “Why” bother trying at all? “Why” change?.

I decided to change following a relationship breakup. I decided I was tired of investing time, and money, and emotion, and effort into other people who seemed to have an uncanny ability to screw me over without seeming the least bit bothered about it. I was tired of being the one who got hurt, the one who got disappointed, the one who lay awake at night trying to cope with the burden of heartbreak and re-realised loneliness.

Placing all your hopes of happiness in the hands of others and trusting them to do good by you is a stupid gamble. If you lose, you lose BIG. And 9 times out of 10, you WILL lose.

I looked carefully at the mistake I made. I met a girl who ticked all the right boxes. I mean, meeting someone is hard enough; meeting the RIGHT someone looks nigh on impossible. But I met her. And she awakened all the feelings of love and happiness and hope that I had frozen within myself for so long. I woke up and began to live again.

I poured all my love into her. I spent a small fortune on making her happy. I spent hours and hours with her…tending her every need. My days were filled with thoughts of her, and my nights were filled with dreams of her.

But warning signs appeared in our relationship….little cracks that until this day I will not know whether they actually did exist or they were just part of my imagination. I began to panic. I was so afraid of losing it all – of losing her – that I became a little unbalanced. There. I said it. I became unbalanced.

In the end she screwed me over. Whether that was my fault in acting a little bit unhinged, or the fact that I was right all along in thinking she never really cared for me in that way doesn’t really matter. The point is…she left and moved on. And I was left by myself. The worst person on earth with whom you can find yourself alone.

But I am not goddam ready to freeze and die again. She reminded me what it was like to be happy, excited, even contented!! I have just been woken up and I don’t want to go back into the darkness. I am sick of being something that exists solely due to the fact that I was born and I have no option but to keep existing until my number comes up again.

I am taking ownership for my OWN happiness.

And now I remember “why” I want to change.